End of an era

Have I really been breastfeeding for over 3 years? I nursed D for 18 months and B is now 21 months. Crazy. I hate the reason why I'm done. Migraines. Once again, I'm done because I can't tolerate the pain and need to go on meds that I can't breastfeed with. It was the same way with D. Sucks. At least B took pity on me tonight. I'm not really sure why I decided to do it tonight, it just happened. Instead of nursing him, I read to him in the rocking chair. When he got squirmy, I asked if it was time for bed and he nodded. When I turned the light off and was holding him he started pointing to the chair. I don't know if he was pointing to the book on the ottoman or if he was expecting me to nurse him. I didn't ask. He definitely would have wanted the boob. I sang to him a little and he started pointing to the crib. So I put him down. No tears, no nothing. From him anyway. My heart broke a little. He's only been getting one boob, one time a day for months now. But it was our time. It was special. And relaxing after most days that were stressful and filled with a lot of craziness. But he's almost 2. He doesn't need to be nursed and I need to be able to function. I'm not doing right by my family when I'm in pain and bitchy. So, I have to give up nursing B. My breastfeeding days are over. And I'm so sad. But I know that it's for the best and one of these days, soon probably, I will feel ok again and realize that B and I will always have a special connection. I love you B!

Poor boy and his snot

Go figure that my last post was so positive. A day later, B got sick. And he's been sick now for almost 2 weeks. Poor kid. He woke up that Monday morning sneezing. I figured it might just be allergies because it was windy. I took him to My Gym and by midday, I knew it was a cold. The next day his nose was runny. And I swear it's been runny every since. We missed speech therapy and child development and went to the doctor. Turns out he had a pus ridden ear infection on top of his snotty-ness. Then the cough started. We took him back to the doctor and he was put on inhalation treatments. His cough got worse. I started freaking out. (Enter D's RSV trauma here). So I took him back today and guess what? B has RSV. Or croup. Or some other bronchial infection. Needless to say, he's being treated for all of it. The good news is that after his horrible day yesterday, today was a little better. So maybe yesterday was the hump. His nose has been better but that's probably because he was put on claritin too. Yesterday he couldn't breathe at naptime so he didn't nap. The first time ever. Today he almost didn't either but I let him cry a bit and I think he was so tired, he gave in. I am so tired. So tired of all the snot. The drool. The coughing. Ugh! At least the little cold D seemed to have went away. Of course my parents won't come anywhere near our house for fear of getting sick themselves or passing it on to my grandma. Thank goodness David didn't need to work much this week. I have no village. My village is David. I can't even find a babysitter. Aren't there people who need work? Ugh. This post is like a big run-on sentence. Anyway, I guess the silver lining is that B is improving and hopefully he will be even better tomorrow. Please.

Cuter with sleep

B has been taking great naps. I hope I'm not jinxing myself. He went 7 days with 2 hour naps and then had a lapse as he went back to only an hour with crying when he woke up. But yesterday, he slept for 2.5 hours! Today was an hour and a half but he woke up happy. It's so great! He's such a different kid when he's well rested. He and D were chasing each other, giggling their heads off. It's a beautiful thing. He's babbling more and trying to imitate more. It's progress. And it's beautiful.

I went to my therapist today. Last time I went, I was so down. Today I spoke mostly about happy things. Progress. How B is making strides. How in a year, life will look so differently. Even 6 months. Heck, a month from now at that rate he's going! I feel better every time she tells me how hard the job of "mother" is and that nobody ever says it. That's what I've been saying for years. I get so tired of the supermoms who seem happy and positive about EVERYTHING. Drives me nuts. I like hanging out with my less-than-perfect mom friends.

Speaking of supermoms, Erica and family moved today. Off to SLO. I'm bummed and jealous. But I'm happy that they are moving only 10 minutes from David and Molly and we'll see them when we visit up there. I can't imagine moving with a 4 year old and a 20 month old. Moving with D at 9 months was crazy enough. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Speech Therapy and other news

So after seeing one not so great therapist and a horrible therapist (she started the session singing Barney and then asked me if I knew what a consonant and a vowel were!), we found Natalie. In 3 sessions, B has already said "Dah", "Mama" and he has moo'd and meow'd. He is also trying to say other things but can't seem to find the consonants. See? I do know what they are! My little man is making strides.

In other news, we retired his highchair. No more fighting to get him in it. He is in his booster seat at the table across from D. It has made for some entertaining meals, to say the least. It's only a problem when he decides to throw his water bottle and plate. That's fun.

B took 2 hours naps for one week. Now's he's back to an hour. And back to cranky as well. *sigh* Here's hoping he's not getting sick.

Speaking of sick, D is recovering from a stubborn ear infection. Pain comes and goes. Or does it? We can't tell if she's playing us or not. I hate that. We'll see how antibiotic #2 does.

Speech therapy - First Day

I didn't get a chance to write yesterday after our session with the speech therapist. Actually, I didn't feel like writing. I was rather disappointed with how it went. I guess I was expecting something different. Our appointment with the child development specialist was so great. I guess that's what I was expecting. I was also expecting to see something else besides what I do with B at home on a daily basis. And the woman had no energy either. Frankly, I was unimpressed. I've been told to be patient. To give it a chance. That she was probably just assessing him, observing to see what he's like, etc. So I will give it a chance. The other annoying thing is that we can't get on her schedule for 2x/week so they have us seeing a different person on Tuesday. Not good for consistency. Not going to continue. Who knows, maybe I'll like her better. However, she's an assistant, not even a therapist. So many things I'm not happy about. Oh, and did I mention the therapist is fresh out of grad school? I wanted someone with experience. Ugh. So I will see how it goes next week. At least Stephanie comes on Wed. I can at least look forward to that!

"Mama"

Today at snack, B said "Mama." I don't know if he intended to say it but he said it. I can't wait to hear it again!

Tomorrow, first day of speech therapy.

Germs, D's bday and B first day of therapy

Once again, I planned to write a couple days ago on D's birthday but instead, the kids were sick and I was busy. I can't believe D has now been sick two years in a row for her birthday. What a bummer. B started with it last week. He was so cranky for about 5 days. We thought it was separation anxiety. But I think he was fighting the same crap D has had. We went to the Santa Ana Zoo with the Newmans on Saturday and at lunch she told me her head hurt. I freaked out. I was convinced she was going to throw up in the car on the way home. All I could think was being pulled over on the side of the 5 freeway in Commerce or something. Fortunately, she didn't and we made it home. But she's been fighting a low grade temp for a few days now. We went to the doctor for her 4 year "well" visit yesterday and he said they just have a cold virus of some kind but it's not the flu. I will get back to D's birthday but the best part of the doctor's visit was him testing her knowledge of colors. He showed her the percentile chart on the computer and the "rainbow" of colors. He said "what color is this?" while pointing to red and she said "red." Then he pointed to purple and she said "indigo." He laughed and said "I think I'm done here." I guess she knows her colors! Actually he was pretty impressed with her in general. When she balanced on one foot, he asked if she was in any classes. She was measured in the 90th percentile for height and 95th for weight. Her eyes are perfect and everything else was fine. Just this darn virus that doesn't want to leave her alone!

So we went to the Santa Ana Zoo with Mark, Wendie and Rachel. Fortunately, D felt fine while we were there. She ran around and had a blast. David and B stayed home because B was sick. I was so bummed we couldn't be a family but on the flip side, B would have made us crazy and we wouldn't have been able to focus on D. And I've been such a stress case with B and him being so attached, it was just better this way. The zoo was pretty cool. The perfect size for a 4 year old. D, Rachel and I rode an elephant! It was fun. We went to Ruby's for lunch. That's when things went south. She wasn't hungry and we kind of ran out on them. Bummer. Sunday she was a bit better but not great. We were really hoping she would wake up fine to go to school since I was bringing snack but she wasn't 100% and we didn't want to chance it. So, we celebrated with a chocolate muffin and a candle for breakfast, streamers and a party hat and Brooke the babysitter to help me out while David worked. Grammie and Grandpa came over later in the day but by then, D had fizzled and was running a temp again so it was not fun. We didn't even do cake with them. We had it on Tuesday. Turns out Grandpa is sick too. Either he gave it to B originally or the other way around. I thought we were out of the woods with the temp because D went about 36 hours without one until this morning it came back. This is really going on too long!! She had to stay home from school again. Made the day interesting because it was B's first day of child development therapy.

So B's child development therapy started today. His therapist, Stephanie, goes by "NeNe" because she said Stephanie is so hard for kids to say. She reminds me a lot of Lacresha. And I think B saw that too because he took to her pretty quickly. Today was really an introductory thing. But she did get him to say "baba" for "mama" which of course brought me to tears because it's something I couldn't do. I think he can do more than we realize, he just needs help to bring it out. Actually, I think we need help to get it out. But she was great. I already have some new tips and she said to call or text her anytime if we need help. The only down side is that she is pregnant and due in April. I'm just hoping she's not out too long because I don't want there to be an issue with a new therapist and all that. But for all I know, maybe we'll be in a totally different place by then. We start speech on Friday. I am really looking forward to that to know if we actually have an issue or if we just have a lazy boy who lets his sister speak for him!

Tomorrow I start with a new therapist for myself. I'm really hoping I like her. I hate the process of finding new therapists. I need help though. All of the stress and anxiety over the kids is making me sick. I have lost weight, I'm depressed...it's just not healthy. And the panic attacks are the worst part. I miss my friends and I feel very isolated. With all of B's therapies, I'm afraid I'm going to start missing out on playdates and other things. I hope not. I guess we'll see. I really need to find a new babysitter too. So many thing to do. Right now, I just want my kids to sleep and I need to do Dec. Snapfish. It's time for hot chocolate first.