Death

My grandpa died early Sunday morning after suffering a massive stroke one week before. We had driven up to Monterey a couple days after it happened. I was able to talk with him before he lost his ability to speak. He knew it was me. The first thing he said was "how did you get here?" He also asked me, "how's your David?" The best part was when I told him I loved him and he should get some sleep, he said "will you still love me while I'm sleeping?" Mentally, he was all there. He still had his sense of humor. He could still open his eyes. However, he couldn't swallow and he was paralyzed on his left side. Food that they had tried to give him had gone into his windpipe and into his lungs. He was gurgling. It was so sad. But I was so grateful that we had gone up there when we did. The next day, he was no longer able to speak and he wasn't opening his eyes anymore. The swelling in his brain had doubled and he was bleeding. The decision was made that he would be kept comfortable but because of his DNR, he would not have a feeding tube and he would no longer be given medications except for morphine. He was going to die.

We had told D that Grandpa had fallen and that he was in the hospital. Only grown-ups were allowed to see him. The first day we were there, he was still in ICU so that was true. The second day, he was moved into a regular room but because of his condition, we didn't want the kids to see him. So D made him a card and played with B and cousin T while we all took turns saying our goodbyes. We drove home and waited. I started my picture video knowing the time would come. It was all so surreal. I was seeing pictures of him and felt like nothing had happened, he was just up north like always. Except every now and then, I would remember that he was dying. And I cried. A lot. I was very composed around the kids though. We knew we were going to have to tell D eventually, but wanted to wait. On Sunday morning, at 2:30am, Grandpa passed away. My mom called at 6:15am and woke us up. She told me that he had been very peaceful and that my dad stayed with him until the mortuary picked him up. The waiting was over.

Once the date was set and the hotel reservations were made, we knew the moment was coming when we had to tell D. The problem though was finding the "right" time. Whatever that was. We had planned to do it together but it ended up happening while David was out with B. I had D try on the dress I had bought for her to wear to the reception and she kept asking me why I got it for her. I kept having to brush off her questions and finally, after texting David that I was going to do it by myself, told her to come sit with me on the couch. I told her that we had to go back to Monterey this weekend. She said "to go to the hospital?" I said, "No, great Grandpa isn't in the hospital anymore. He died." I told her that older people don't heal as quickly as kids do and sometimes they don't heal at all. Sometimes doctors can't help them. And they die. She actually laughed and said "he died?" I said "yes, he did." I could tell the wheels were spinning and she didn't know what to make of the whole thing until she said, "like when we squish ants?" I said, "yes." I told her that we're going to a reception and that the family will be there. I told her that I might be sad sometimes and it's not because of her or B but because I miss my Grandpa. That's when she got weepy. Like she knew she had to be sad with me. I said, "you don't need to cry because I'm sad." She said she missed great Grandpa. I said, "but you didn't start crying until I said I was sad." She looked at me, dried up and said, "let's go make a project." Well, it was just that easy. When David got home, she had been putting stickers on a piece of paper. She said, "it's for great Grandpa. He's dead." David looked at me and said, "yes he is." I was actually trying not to laugh. She was so matter of fact. So innocent. Today, she reflected upon it once or twice because we had been looking at pictures but there was no emotion to it. We'll see what happens on Sunday when she sees people crying.

This has been an emotional rollercoaster. I still don't feel like it's real. He called us for our anniversary on the 9th. He was fine. His stroke was on the 11th. I never got a chance to call him back. Grammie was supposed to go first. She's had dementia for so long now and still sits in the medical unit. She visited Grandpa a couple times with Dad. He said that she seemed to understand what was going on but who knows for sure. And now, her rock, is gone. For 69 years they've been together. I can only hope she'll go soon so that he won't be without her for too long.

I'm so grateful for the time I've had with Grandpa over the years and for all the pictures I took. For the greatest gift I could ever give him on his birthday, a great granddaughter to share his birthday with. We'll have to light a candle for him or something on her birthday. We will never forget him. Ever. Breaks my heart that he is gone. I'm going to be a wreck on Sunday. Hope I can be as strong as D.

It's August already???

Not sure where the summer has gone but it's already August and I haven't written in a long time! Much has happened and I'm doing a horrible job finding the time to write. The biggest news is that D got her first marriage proposal! She has a "boyfriend" at school named Josh. We've known him for a long time. They were in a My Gym class together when they were 18 months old. Anyway, his mom and I have become friends over the past year because they were in the same class and we've been hanging out a lot. I guess over the 5 week summer session, they were inseparable. We went to their house yesterday for a playdate and before D was even out of the car, Josh said, "I want to marry you!" They are adorable! We went for a swim and then after, all 4 kids got in the bath together. Too much! Today they came over here for dinner and D and Josh were playing on the climber and "getting married." They used his sister as the flower girl. The best part was his dad grilling him on where they were going to live, who was going to do the cooking, etc. Kids playing pretend....LOVE IT!

Last weekend we were in Fresno visiting the family. We met the Berryhill girls. They are adorable. I don't know how Amanda is handling a 2.5, 4 and 5 year old. D got along swimmingly with them. It's too bad they live so far from us. We also saw our other cousins and their kids. There were 7 kids under 5 and 13 total. Chaos! But so fun to see them all together.

In the last two weeks, B's speech has taken off. He's now using 2 word phrases and initiating conversations. He's doing great. Today we went to Noah's Ark and he ran around and had a great time. He's still like a fly, from one place to the next, but listening and staying with us. It's so nice to be able to go out and about with him. He's still a handful but it's getting better!

David was nominated for an Emmy. Somehow we have to figure out how the kids are going to be taken care of...particularly B. Nobody has put him to bed besides us. He's still so high maintenance when it comes to wanting Mommy. Stay tuned for more on that one.

One month until school starts. B will start Hand in Hand and D will be in school 5 days a week.