Death

My grandpa died early Sunday morning after suffering a massive stroke one week before. We had driven up to Monterey a couple days after it happened. I was able to talk with him before he lost his ability to speak. He knew it was me. The first thing he said was "how did you get here?" He also asked me, "how's your David?" The best part was when I told him I loved him and he should get some sleep, he said "will you still love me while I'm sleeping?" Mentally, he was all there. He still had his sense of humor. He could still open his eyes. However, he couldn't swallow and he was paralyzed on his left side. Food that they had tried to give him had gone into his windpipe and into his lungs. He was gurgling. It was so sad. But I was so grateful that we had gone up there when we did. The next day, he was no longer able to speak and he wasn't opening his eyes anymore. The swelling in his brain had doubled and he was bleeding. The decision was made that he would be kept comfortable but because of his DNR, he would not have a feeding tube and he would no longer be given medications except for morphine. He was going to die.

We had told D that Grandpa had fallen and that he was in the hospital. Only grown-ups were allowed to see him. The first day we were there, he was still in ICU so that was true. The second day, he was moved into a regular room but because of his condition, we didn't want the kids to see him. So D made him a card and played with B and cousin T while we all took turns saying our goodbyes. We drove home and waited. I started my picture video knowing the time would come. It was all so surreal. I was seeing pictures of him and felt like nothing had happened, he was just up north like always. Except every now and then, I would remember that he was dying. And I cried. A lot. I was very composed around the kids though. We knew we were going to have to tell D eventually, but wanted to wait. On Sunday morning, at 2:30am, Grandpa passed away. My mom called at 6:15am and woke us up. She told me that he had been very peaceful and that my dad stayed with him until the mortuary picked him up. The waiting was over.

Once the date was set and the hotel reservations were made, we knew the moment was coming when we had to tell D. The problem though was finding the "right" time. Whatever that was. We had planned to do it together but it ended up happening while David was out with B. I had D try on the dress I had bought for her to wear to the reception and she kept asking me why I got it for her. I kept having to brush off her questions and finally, after texting David that I was going to do it by myself, told her to come sit with me on the couch. I told her that we had to go back to Monterey this weekend. She said "to go to the hospital?" I said, "No, great Grandpa isn't in the hospital anymore. He died." I told her that older people don't heal as quickly as kids do and sometimes they don't heal at all. Sometimes doctors can't help them. And they die. She actually laughed and said "he died?" I said "yes, he did." I could tell the wheels were spinning and she didn't know what to make of the whole thing until she said, "like when we squish ants?" I said, "yes." I told her that we're going to a reception and that the family will be there. I told her that I might be sad sometimes and it's not because of her or B but because I miss my Grandpa. That's when she got weepy. Like she knew she had to be sad with me. I said, "you don't need to cry because I'm sad." She said she missed great Grandpa. I said, "but you didn't start crying until I said I was sad." She looked at me, dried up and said, "let's go make a project." Well, it was just that easy. When David got home, she had been putting stickers on a piece of paper. She said, "it's for great Grandpa. He's dead." David looked at me and said, "yes he is." I was actually trying not to laugh. She was so matter of fact. So innocent. Today, she reflected upon it once or twice because we had been looking at pictures but there was no emotion to it. We'll see what happens on Sunday when she sees people crying.

This has been an emotional rollercoaster. I still don't feel like it's real. He called us for our anniversary on the 9th. He was fine. His stroke was on the 11th. I never got a chance to call him back. Grammie was supposed to go first. She's had dementia for so long now and still sits in the medical unit. She visited Grandpa a couple times with Dad. He said that she seemed to understand what was going on but who knows for sure. And now, her rock, is gone. For 69 years they've been together. I can only hope she'll go soon so that he won't be without her for too long.

I'm so grateful for the time I've had with Grandpa over the years and for all the pictures I took. For the greatest gift I could ever give him on his birthday, a great granddaughter to share his birthday with. We'll have to light a candle for him or something on her birthday. We will never forget him. Ever. Breaks my heart that he is gone. I'm going to be a wreck on Sunday. Hope I can be as strong as D.

It's August already???

Not sure where the summer has gone but it's already August and I haven't written in a long time! Much has happened and I'm doing a horrible job finding the time to write. The biggest news is that D got her first marriage proposal! She has a "boyfriend" at school named Josh. We've known him for a long time. They were in a My Gym class together when they were 18 months old. Anyway, his mom and I have become friends over the past year because they were in the same class and we've been hanging out a lot. I guess over the 5 week summer session, they were inseparable. We went to their house yesterday for a playdate and before D was even out of the car, Josh said, "I want to marry you!" They are adorable! We went for a swim and then after, all 4 kids got in the bath together. Too much! Today they came over here for dinner and D and Josh were playing on the climber and "getting married." They used his sister as the flower girl. The best part was his dad grilling him on where they were going to live, who was going to do the cooking, etc. Kids playing pretend....LOVE IT!

Last weekend we were in Fresno visiting the family. We met the Berryhill girls. They are adorable. I don't know how Amanda is handling a 2.5, 4 and 5 year old. D got along swimmingly with them. It's too bad they live so far from us. We also saw our other cousins and their kids. There were 7 kids under 5 and 13 total. Chaos! But so fun to see them all together.

In the last two weeks, B's speech has taken off. He's now using 2 word phrases and initiating conversations. He's doing great. Today we went to Noah's Ark and he ran around and had a great time. He's still like a fly, from one place to the next, but listening and staying with us. It's so nice to be able to go out and about with him. He's still a handful but it's getting better!

David was nominated for an Emmy. Somehow we have to figure out how the kids are going to be taken care of...particularly B. Nobody has put him to bed besides us. He's still so high maintenance when it comes to wanting Mommy. Stay tuned for more on that one.

One month until school starts. B will start Hand in Hand and D will be in school 5 days a week.

Beginning of summer update

Things have been so busy! I can't believe 6 weeks has gone by and I haven't written anything. I wish I could blog as I live my life...record things in my head or something. Anyway, the kids are doing great and keeping me busy as always.

A major milestone hit me over the head on Monday. B had his first haircut. It kind of snuck up on me. Our friend was coming over to cut D's hair as well as mine so when I asked her about B's, she said sure. He was kind of out of it because he had just awakened from nap. He sat in David's lap. It was so hard to watch and I just prayed it would still be curly when she was done! He looks like such a little boy now. I only cried for a brief moment. At least it's behind me now!

B is doing a lot better in terms of tantrums and such and he's definitely matured. We can go out in public and he walks around like a big boy. He follows directions and really does a great job. I'm so enjoying my time with him right now. He's laughing more than crying now and I love it! The words are coming slowly. He's mimicking a lot. Yesterday D yelled "not nice" at David and B yelled it too only it sounded like "nah nigh." So awesome to hear him try though! Tonight he counted to 5 while reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar. And he's finally ending words with consonants rather than vowels like "up" and "on." And he said "play" too! I'm so proud of him!!

D has been interesting lately. We either get sweet D or tantrum-y cranky D. From what I hear that is typical but wow. Jekyll and Hyde! We joined the Y last week and started a sports class with her. They kids were trying to get basketballs into a 7ft hoop and she was the only one in the class to do it. Another mom and I cheered and she FREAKED out. Ran over to me crying and shaking. All because we cheered for her. For some reason, she hates cheering. She says it's too loud and it scares her. I have no idea where it stems from but it's crazy. I'm taking her back to the class tomorrow. Here's hoping we survive. She's loving summer "camp" at her school again and in a couple weeks she starts swimming lessons. So hopefully those things will get her out of her funk. She and B have been having a lot of fun together. Not as much fighting and I don't think she's had her hair pulled once this week!

I'm really enjoying my kids right now. We're getting out and able to do a lot because B is following directions and it makes life so much easier. He's really becoming a little boy. And I just want to eat him up!

Dinner Conversation

Tonight at dinner, B decided that he didn't want to wear his shirt anymore. So somehow, he got his arm out of the sleeve but up through the head hole. Well, he was stuck. I helped him get out of it the rest of the way. For dessert, he ate shirtless. At some point, D looked at him and said, "B doesn't have boobies, he has nibbles!" David was at the sink trying not to laugh out loud although I heard him snickering and I looked at her and smiled. I said, "what did you say?" She said it again and I asked her if she meant "nipples." She said, "that's what I said, nibbles." We went back and forth a few times and finally she agreed that it was "nipples." At least this was a better conversation than the one we had a breakfast yesterday. I can't remember what she was trying to rhyme but whatever it was, the word "fuckly" came out of her mouth. And she said it over and over and over again. David and I both had to bite our tongues because we wanted to laugh so badly. But neither of us said a thing and kept our mouths closed. As fast as the word came out, it went away. A good parenting moment. :)

It's been awhile!

I find that writing two blogs is not easy. Usually I barely have time to write one post. I've been giving a lot of time to B's blog and his speech stuff. It consumes my time. And energy. But he's improving a lot with all the therapy and I'm so happy about it.

So it's been a month almost since I last wrote. I'm sure cute things have been said, pictures have been taken and life has moved along in our house. B's birthday was on Thursday. He turned 2. Unbelievable how fast time flies. He's grown into a such a little boy. He's definitely not a baby anymore. Sometimes I forget that though because of his speech delay. He has words now, not just sounds. He saya "ball" and "ca-ca" or "craka" for cracker. He says "mo" for more. He says "I" and "eye" as well as "knee," "blue," and "tree." When he's provoked, he can say two syllable words. The best one to date is "Day-na." But he can do "bunny," "honey," and "bye-bee" for baby. He's really moving along. I will post the speech therapists list soon.

D is 4 and exerting her stubborn, bossy side these days. It makes for interesting times. In particular, if B wants her to do something and she says "no," there's usually a hair pulling incident after she screams at him. It's really fun. There's a lot of frustration between those two right now. I can't wait until that ends. But on the whole, D is doing well. David went to a parent teacher conference at her school yesterday and was told that she is doing really well. Apparently she needs to work on cutting with scissors but other than that, no real issues. She is normally a very sweet kid. We're finding it very hard to discipline her though. She just doesn't seem to care about having things taken away. The only thing that "counts" is her lamby and there's only so many times we can threaten that one. I think I'm going to talk to B's child development therapist about it. I hate yelling and this morning I went off. On both of them. Not good.

Mother's Day was last weekend. The day was shared with David's birthday so we didn't do a whole lot about it. David made me a nice breakfast and the kids and the dog gave me cards. There had been a Mother's Day event at D's school that I went to and that was fun. It gave me and D a chance to be alone together. I don't think we get enough of that with all of B's therapies. Perhaps that's part of her issues right now. Anyway, it was nice to spend time with her.

D has been talking about babies coming out of people's tummies for the last several days. A couple people we know have had babies recently. So over breakfast this morning, this conversation was had:

D: "Did B come out of your belly?"
Me: "Nope."
D: "Did B come out of your vagina?"
Me: "Yes, so did you."
D: "Huh. Do babies come out of your bottom?"
Me: "No, that's where you poop."
D: "I don't want a baby to come out of my bagina."
Me (laughing hysterically at this point): "Sweetie, you don't have to worry about that for a long time."

From the mouths of babes.

Kids say the darndest things - Part 2

So I was putting D's lotion on her a couple nights ago. Patting her bottom I said, "you know, these are your butt cheeks." She laughed, thought it was so silly and then the next day said to her daddy, "Did you know butts have cheeks? Why don't penises have cheeks?"

What do you say to that? Needless to say, we tried very hard not to laugh...too much. :)

Kids say the darndest things

D and I were looking at her baby pictures last night and she said, "I'm so cute I want to hold myself!"

Today at speech therapy, B said "bumpy." He could have said "dog," "cat," or something else but he chose "bumpy." He did say "bye" and "ca" for cat. But it's still only when provoked and the therapist really has to get him to focus. He does this looking away thing that makes me think he has ADD or something. God, I hope he doesn't.

I think I will just focus on the good stuff tonight and go to bed.

Snow!

Today we went to the snow. Yes, in April. Yesterday a cold front came through and since it rained here, I figured it snowed a bit up in the local mountains. I looked at road conditions but failed to see if there was actually any snow! So we loaded the car with lots of clothes, some blankets and food and drove an hour north. Fortunately my dad was home and called a few places for us to find out if there was snow. We ended up in Frazier Park. Parked on the side of the road where we were on the shady side of a hill...that I used to trash bag down as a kid. Oh the memories. It was cold. 34 degrees and breezy. B was apprehensive. Didn't know what was going on or what he was stepping in. Never really warmed up to the whole thing (no pun intended). D of course had a blast. For the first time in the snow, they did great and it was just the right amount. We were only outside in it for about 20 minutes but it was just enough. We even made it home for nap. :)

Words are coming!

B is saying "Mommy!" It's been "MaMaMa" for so long and then yesterday it was finally "Mommy." B is sick again. He has a cold. He didn't nap yesterday. And yet, he's been so chatty. He's been trying new words. We can't totally understand him sometimes but the words are coming. Baby was "bubby" today at speech therapy. He called Grandpa, "Pa." Much to my amazement, he said "wa wa" when asking for his water in the car on the way home from speech today. This is the beginning!

On the flip side, the tantrums are almost every 5 minutes. If we say "no" the dam breaks and he wails. It it so grating and I want to rip all of my hair out. Thank goodness for therapy. And antidepressants. At least there were some positives today and it can only get better. I hope. I did request behavior management assistance through Regional Center and fortunately, it was approved. So we will get help. And another hour of therapy. We're up to 5 hours a week with OT starting next week.

I almost forgot....B's fall. So last week, we met Mercy and her daughter at the park for a playdate. B was on the top of the jungle gym with Airalyn and she was saying "B, I'm going to get you." I saw what was happening and yelled to him to stop backing up. He backed right off of the thing. Fell 7ft. We called 911. Ambulance ride to the ER, x-rays and CT Scan later, and he was fine. It's really amazing I haven't been committed.

And in D's world, she was sent to have an x-ray on her hip because the doctor thinks she might (very small chance) have arthritis. Really? All in the same week? Fortunately, the x-ray was negative. But now she's complaining about her knee again. I really hope I survive this stage of my life without the men coming with the straight jacket.

Frustrating Times

Everyday is a fight. A fight to keep my sanity. B is constantly a handful. Between the tantrums, exhaustion, strange allergic/asthmatic cough thing and being an almost 2 year old, we have our hands totally full. I feel like I can never be grateful for the good things. Our kids are basically healthy, very bright and so loving. We have a great house. David has a job that allows me to stay home with the kids. So many good things. And I'm constantly miserable. Exhausted. Wishing for something else. Jealous of those who have what I want. My therapist today said it's not that I'm not grateful, because I am, it's that I'm overwhelmed by the things that are so hard. She wants me to get out more. HA! I wish I could! If only we had Mary Poppins to help us. And the money to pay her. Unfortunately we did not win the $314 Mega Million jackpot today. I'm so isolated. My friends are dealing with their kids. It's still cold and flu season and with B's breathing stuff right now, I'm not interested at all in going back to My Gym for awhile. Or for being indoors with other kids for that matter. UGH!

Let's go back a week. We went to see David, Molly and Tara last weekend. It was nice to get away. Although in the first hour of the drive, I thought we were going to have to turn around because B would not settle down and was so fussy. Fortunately, we stopped in Santa Barbara for lunch and all was fine after that. We saw the Prestons for afternoon and dinnertime and then went to the hotel. B was a little hesitant in his new sleeping environment but did really well. D was the one who kept getting us up! Anyway, I saw Christie who I hadn't seen in 22 years the next day which was pretty cool. The kids napped fine and we were able to see the Prestons again. B slept well that night too while D was so so. I think she was just overtired. The next day the rain came. We went to a gym class with Molly and Tara which was fun but the wheels were starting to fall off the cart...B was getting more and more fussy. I think he was overstimulated being out of his own environment. That afternoon we went to see Erica and family at their new house in SLO. We celebrated Santiago's birthday and hung out. We had thought about going home that night because of the weather but then decided not to because we thought the kids would get a good night sleep. Which was the case except for D falling out of her bed at 4am. Oh well. Best laid plans. Anyway, after packing the car and checking out, B starting to have one of his coughing fits. We needed to give him a treatment so we stopped at the Prestons, did the treatment and got on the road. B was asleep 30 minutes later. We drove in horrible rain the whole way home, only stopping once for lunch in Ventura. The rain actually was worse once we were home. Regardless, the weekend was surprisingly better than we had expected and the kids did pretty well.

Maybe this week has been a recovery week for B. He hasn't napped very well. Basically, if he isn't kept busy, he's a clingy, tired wreck. Which makes me just a tired wreck. Again, I sound so ungrateful for this wonderful son of mine. Someday I will look back on all of this with him and laugh...oh remember when??? Sigh....

Busy life

Time flies when you have a 4 year old and an almost 2 year old....who keep getting sick! We're finally wrapping up B's antibiotics for the sinus infection he ended up with and D's knee is feeling better. What happened to D's knee? Well, her cold virus that gave her an ear infection settled in her knee. Strange. One morning she woke up and couldn't walk. Fortunately, she is better. We're still awaiting her blood results but because we haven't heard from the doctor yet, we're pretty sure it won't show anything.

B's speech is a slow go. He is progressing but at a snail's pace. He now whispers some b's and p's. He does "ch" like he's trying to speak yiddish. He says "oooo" for more and we have heard him say "pop," "bubba" for bubble and "bye bye." He doesn't seem to repeat it much but at least he's doing it. I'm exhausted with all the therapy appointments but more exhausted with the tantrums and trying to figure out what the heck he wants all the time. Then add in D's tantrums and attitude and I want to run away.

Speaking of running away, David sent me on an overnight to Sacramento to visit friends for my birthday. It was so nice. But so short. 22 hours to be exact. But so nice to be free of of children. I missed David so much though. I can't wait for a day to be with him on an overnight. Someday.

Have to go to bed to pack and get out of here to go visit the central coast for the weekend. Looking forward to seeing Tara and family and praying that B sleeps, doesn't throw too many tantrums and that we have fun.

Really? Sick again?

So it's been a week. I haven't nursed B. He seems content with stories and cuddles. It's working out. I don't miss it too much although right now, I wish I could help him. He's sick again. Getting over croup. Poor kid has a cough that breaks my heart. I guess I'm comforting him enough but there's just something about nursing him that seems to be so soothing to us both. Tonight he actually let me hold him without reading while I sang to him. He was sucking on his fingers and was pretty sleepy. My sweet sweet boy. He caught his cold last week and I thought I heard the croupiness start on Friday so I took him to the doctor because I was leaving on Saturday to go to San Diego for an overnight. Of course he was fine at the doctor's. I left on Saturday and came home Sunday to find David holding B in the kitchen looking so pathetic. David had given him medicine and we called the doctor. Back to inhalation treatments and back to the doctor on Monday. At least it's just croup. D was complaining about her ear a lot and then last night woke up crying. So I took her to the doctor today. Bad ear infection and back on antibiotics. I swear, it never ends! And I just want to cuddle with them both and take it all away. At least B slept last night and was better today. Hopefully that will happen to D tonight as well.

So the overnight away from the kids went well. David took care of them both and they didn't seem to miss me. Much. I guess that means I can do it more often! :)

End of an era

Have I really been breastfeeding for over 3 years? I nursed D for 18 months and B is now 21 months. Crazy. I hate the reason why I'm done. Migraines. Once again, I'm done because I can't tolerate the pain and need to go on meds that I can't breastfeed with. It was the same way with D. Sucks. At least B took pity on me tonight. I'm not really sure why I decided to do it tonight, it just happened. Instead of nursing him, I read to him in the rocking chair. When he got squirmy, I asked if it was time for bed and he nodded. When I turned the light off and was holding him he started pointing to the chair. I don't know if he was pointing to the book on the ottoman or if he was expecting me to nurse him. I didn't ask. He definitely would have wanted the boob. I sang to him a little and he started pointing to the crib. So I put him down. No tears, no nothing. From him anyway. My heart broke a little. He's only been getting one boob, one time a day for months now. But it was our time. It was special. And relaxing after most days that were stressful and filled with a lot of craziness. But he's almost 2. He doesn't need to be nursed and I need to be able to function. I'm not doing right by my family when I'm in pain and bitchy. So, I have to give up nursing B. My breastfeeding days are over. And I'm so sad. But I know that it's for the best and one of these days, soon probably, I will feel ok again and realize that B and I will always have a special connection. I love you B!

Poor boy and his snot

Go figure that my last post was so positive. A day later, B got sick. And he's been sick now for almost 2 weeks. Poor kid. He woke up that Monday morning sneezing. I figured it might just be allergies because it was windy. I took him to My Gym and by midday, I knew it was a cold. The next day his nose was runny. And I swear it's been runny every since. We missed speech therapy and child development and went to the doctor. Turns out he had a pus ridden ear infection on top of his snotty-ness. Then the cough started. We took him back to the doctor and he was put on inhalation treatments. His cough got worse. I started freaking out. (Enter D's RSV trauma here). So I took him back today and guess what? B has RSV. Or croup. Or some other bronchial infection. Needless to say, he's being treated for all of it. The good news is that after his horrible day yesterday, today was a little better. So maybe yesterday was the hump. His nose has been better but that's probably because he was put on claritin too. Yesterday he couldn't breathe at naptime so he didn't nap. The first time ever. Today he almost didn't either but I let him cry a bit and I think he was so tired, he gave in. I am so tired. So tired of all the snot. The drool. The coughing. Ugh! At least the little cold D seemed to have went away. Of course my parents won't come anywhere near our house for fear of getting sick themselves or passing it on to my grandma. Thank goodness David didn't need to work much this week. I have no village. My village is David. I can't even find a babysitter. Aren't there people who need work? Ugh. This post is like a big run-on sentence. Anyway, I guess the silver lining is that B is improving and hopefully he will be even better tomorrow. Please.

Cuter with sleep

B has been taking great naps. I hope I'm not jinxing myself. He went 7 days with 2 hour naps and then had a lapse as he went back to only an hour with crying when he woke up. But yesterday, he slept for 2.5 hours! Today was an hour and a half but he woke up happy. It's so great! He's such a different kid when he's well rested. He and D were chasing each other, giggling their heads off. It's a beautiful thing. He's babbling more and trying to imitate more. It's progress. And it's beautiful.

I went to my therapist today. Last time I went, I was so down. Today I spoke mostly about happy things. Progress. How B is making strides. How in a year, life will look so differently. Even 6 months. Heck, a month from now at that rate he's going! I feel better every time she tells me how hard the job of "mother" is and that nobody ever says it. That's what I've been saying for years. I get so tired of the supermoms who seem happy and positive about EVERYTHING. Drives me nuts. I like hanging out with my less-than-perfect mom friends.

Speaking of supermoms, Erica and family moved today. Off to SLO. I'm bummed and jealous. But I'm happy that they are moving only 10 minutes from David and Molly and we'll see them when we visit up there. I can't imagine moving with a 4 year old and a 20 month old. Moving with D at 9 months was crazy enough. I'm exhausted just thinking about it.

Speech Therapy and other news

So after seeing one not so great therapist and a horrible therapist (she started the session singing Barney and then asked me if I knew what a consonant and a vowel were!), we found Natalie. In 3 sessions, B has already said "Dah", "Mama" and he has moo'd and meow'd. He is also trying to say other things but can't seem to find the consonants. See? I do know what they are! My little man is making strides.

In other news, we retired his highchair. No more fighting to get him in it. He is in his booster seat at the table across from D. It has made for some entertaining meals, to say the least. It's only a problem when he decides to throw his water bottle and plate. That's fun.

B took 2 hours naps for one week. Now's he's back to an hour. And back to cranky as well. *sigh* Here's hoping he's not getting sick.

Speaking of sick, D is recovering from a stubborn ear infection. Pain comes and goes. Or does it? We can't tell if she's playing us or not. I hate that. We'll see how antibiotic #2 does.

Speech therapy - First Day

I didn't get a chance to write yesterday after our session with the speech therapist. Actually, I didn't feel like writing. I was rather disappointed with how it went. I guess I was expecting something different. Our appointment with the child development specialist was so great. I guess that's what I was expecting. I was also expecting to see something else besides what I do with B at home on a daily basis. And the woman had no energy either. Frankly, I was unimpressed. I've been told to be patient. To give it a chance. That she was probably just assessing him, observing to see what he's like, etc. So I will give it a chance. The other annoying thing is that we can't get on her schedule for 2x/week so they have us seeing a different person on Tuesday. Not good for consistency. Not going to continue. Who knows, maybe I'll like her better. However, she's an assistant, not even a therapist. So many things I'm not happy about. Oh, and did I mention the therapist is fresh out of grad school? I wanted someone with experience. Ugh. So I will see how it goes next week. At least Stephanie comes on Wed. I can at least look forward to that!

"Mama"

Today at snack, B said "Mama." I don't know if he intended to say it but he said it. I can't wait to hear it again!

Tomorrow, first day of speech therapy.

Germs, D's bday and B first day of therapy

Once again, I planned to write a couple days ago on D's birthday but instead, the kids were sick and I was busy. I can't believe D has now been sick two years in a row for her birthday. What a bummer. B started with it last week. He was so cranky for about 5 days. We thought it was separation anxiety. But I think he was fighting the same crap D has had. We went to the Santa Ana Zoo with the Newmans on Saturday and at lunch she told me her head hurt. I freaked out. I was convinced she was going to throw up in the car on the way home. All I could think was being pulled over on the side of the 5 freeway in Commerce or something. Fortunately, she didn't and we made it home. But she's been fighting a low grade temp for a few days now. We went to the doctor for her 4 year "well" visit yesterday and he said they just have a cold virus of some kind but it's not the flu. I will get back to D's birthday but the best part of the doctor's visit was him testing her knowledge of colors. He showed her the percentile chart on the computer and the "rainbow" of colors. He said "what color is this?" while pointing to red and she said "red." Then he pointed to purple and she said "indigo." He laughed and said "I think I'm done here." I guess she knows her colors! Actually he was pretty impressed with her in general. When she balanced on one foot, he asked if she was in any classes. She was measured in the 90th percentile for height and 95th for weight. Her eyes are perfect and everything else was fine. Just this darn virus that doesn't want to leave her alone!

So we went to the Santa Ana Zoo with Mark, Wendie and Rachel. Fortunately, D felt fine while we were there. She ran around and had a blast. David and B stayed home because B was sick. I was so bummed we couldn't be a family but on the flip side, B would have made us crazy and we wouldn't have been able to focus on D. And I've been such a stress case with B and him being so attached, it was just better this way. The zoo was pretty cool. The perfect size for a 4 year old. D, Rachel and I rode an elephant! It was fun. We went to Ruby's for lunch. That's when things went south. She wasn't hungry and we kind of ran out on them. Bummer. Sunday she was a bit better but not great. We were really hoping she would wake up fine to go to school since I was bringing snack but she wasn't 100% and we didn't want to chance it. So, we celebrated with a chocolate muffin and a candle for breakfast, streamers and a party hat and Brooke the babysitter to help me out while David worked. Grammie and Grandpa came over later in the day but by then, D had fizzled and was running a temp again so it was not fun. We didn't even do cake with them. We had it on Tuesday. Turns out Grandpa is sick too. Either he gave it to B originally or the other way around. I thought we were out of the woods with the temp because D went about 36 hours without one until this morning it came back. This is really going on too long!! She had to stay home from school again. Made the day interesting because it was B's first day of child development therapy.

So B's child development therapy started today. His therapist, Stephanie, goes by "NeNe" because she said Stephanie is so hard for kids to say. She reminds me a lot of Lacresha. And I think B saw that too because he took to her pretty quickly. Today was really an introductory thing. But she did get him to say "baba" for "mama" which of course brought me to tears because it's something I couldn't do. I think he can do more than we realize, he just needs help to bring it out. Actually, I think we need help to get it out. But she was great. I already have some new tips and she said to call or text her anytime if we need help. The only down side is that she is pregnant and due in April. I'm just hoping she's not out too long because I don't want there to be an issue with a new therapist and all that. But for all I know, maybe we'll be in a totally different place by then. We start speech on Friday. I am really looking forward to that to know if we actually have an issue or if we just have a lazy boy who lets his sister speak for him!

Tomorrow I start with a new therapist for myself. I'm really hoping I like her. I hate the process of finding new therapists. I need help though. All of the stress and anxiety over the kids is making me sick. I have lost weight, I'm depressed...it's just not healthy. And the panic attacks are the worst part. I miss my friends and I feel very isolated. With all of B's therapies, I'm afraid I'm going to start missing out on playdates and other things. I hope not. I guess we'll see. I really need to find a new babysitter too. So many thing to do. Right now, I just want my kids to sleep and I need to do Dec. Snapfish. It's time for hot chocolate first.

Happy New Year

Ok, so I'm a few days late.

I'm really hoping 2011 is a good year for us. So far, I think it has been. Not for anything exciting. But little victories. B sat in my lap for me to read to him today. Not just a page or two but for the whole thing. It wasn't a long book, just a board book of Pinnochio. The fact that he could just sit there and focus on it was so great. Another one was a couple days ago when he signed "thank you." It knocked my socks off. I'm so thankful that there has been progress. He and D are playing better together too. Not as much hair pulling or biting because when B "asks" for something (he points and grunts) D is learning to hand it to him. B has also been yelling "DA" for David. He loves his daddy!

I faxed in our paperwork to MPI for B's speech therapy and still haven't heard if it's been approved. The waiting is driving me crazy. And finding a speech therapy who is MPI approved and RC approved that can fit us in is so hard. By the time all of this gets figured out, he'll probably be talking....in German.

D turns 4 a week from today. Crazy. There are moments she's 4 going on 12. I wonder which age I will like better?

Ok, must eat apple pie and ice cream now. Long day.